Friday, October 28, 2005

Iran, Russia, Israel, The United Nations, and 100 Virgin Nurses..

Be prepared, this one is weird... Drawing from recent news and in particular, this story on MSNBC:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9823624/

I bring you this mildly truthful socio-political commentary:



A sweaty and nervous ambassador from Iran, Tehran Tom – formerly known as Bagdad Bob – speaking from the steps of the Iranian embassy in Moscow said, “Mr. Ahmadinejad did not have any intention to speak up in such sharp terms and enter into a conflict."

The ambassador was speaking in response to world community's condemnation for the Iranian President's comments at the recent, "The World Without Zionism" Conference and Soccer Match.

testing, testing, 1-2-3, is this microphone on?
"Hey, who broke the American Flag Ball?
If you can't play nicely, there's the door."

Tehran Tom explained further, “When he said that Israel should be wiped off the map, he only meant the people. We still want the land and buildings.”

Frothy-mouthed Iranians are turning out by the thousands with signs that read, “Death to Israel, Death to America.” Small wording at the bottom reads, “Brought to you by the United Nations – making pronouncements with no action for 60 years.”

“It’s toothpaste, hee hee – the stuff around their mouths.. toothpaste” – the ambassador in Moscow indicated with a nervous giggle, “we Iranians are fanatical…about oral hygiene.”

Russia has demanded an explanation from its key ally in the Middle East. In a telephone call to Russian President Putin, the Iranian leader, speaking very slowly said, “DO I HAVE TO SPEAK IN BIG LETTERS FOR YOU. I WANT TO BLOW THE FREAKIN’ JEWS UP! HELLLLOOO!!!! PUT DOWN THE SMIRNOFF AND PULL THAT STUPID FUZZY HAT AWAY FROM YOUR EARS! WHAT’S TO EXPLAIN?”

Apparently Putin understood as he nodded his head slowly and said, “Oh… okay… we tried that years ago. Have at it buddy. By the way, we have a bunch of old nukes lying around. Know anyone who wants ‘em? I need a couple bucks - the wife and kids ya know.”

The two then planned an excursion to Amsterdam – booking a shared room with a monstrous pink heart-shaped bed at a "hotel" called, “They Martyr’s Reward.” Heidi Fleiss, who has long since kept a separate black book - "The Kinky Koran” – with the names of several devout radical Muslims has arranged for a hundred virgins to join them in their visit.

“They are nurses. It’s purely platonic. I mean, Mr. Ahmadinejad is a devout Muslim. He wouldn’t been cavorting with whores, now would he? He is a deeply religious man – one of god’s chosen – you know. Oh, and I run a dating service.”

Some basic investigation found that the entire visit will be funded by the UN’s new Oil for Bombs Program. Kofi Annan, the Secretary-General of the UN, could not be reached for comment. He is currently on the UN Yacht, “The U.S.O.A Paid For This”, somewhere off the Cayman Islands on a humanitarian relief effort. We understand that he is concerned about the treatment of the local nude sunbathers. He’s packing lots of penicillin as well – concerned about Bird Flu or Strep Throat, I guess.

The UN's New 60th Anniversary Logo
The UN's 60th Anniversary Logo
and here are the logo usage guidelines.

A UN spokesperson indicated that swift-action would be forthcoming, using the harshest UN language possible.

“Mr. Ahmadinejad is risking a lot by his statements. If he doesn’t stop, we won’t comp his coffee in the UN cafeteria. He’ll have to pay for it, just like the rest of the third-world nations do. And that’s not the worst of it. He’s risking losing his week at the UN timeshare in Vail Colorado. We’ll just go auction that puppy off on E-bay.”

Note to reader:
Okay, I took some writer’s license with this one. Some of the above is a slightly fictionalized account of what actually took place.

I truly appreciate the Iranian embassy in Moscow taking the time to clarify the Iranian Sociopath’s ur, President’s remarks. We all feel a lot better now.

The whole story makes you feel a little sorry for Russia. When your key ally in the Middle East is run by a slightly unbalanced fanatic and you are supporting their right to build a completely peaceful nuclear power plant, your invoices from Madison Avenue must be exorbitant.

The other thing I wonder about is why it’s always an embassy outside the country trying to clarify the leader’s “misunderstood” remarks. Why not have the leader clarify his remarks. I have an inkling as to why… Mr. Ahmadinejad handlers are still trying to explain to him that the little switch on the microphone was an on/off switch.

I have to imagine that right after his comments, the prez of Iran turned to the sound booth and mouthed, “Dammit, did everyone hear that? This one’s gonna be hard to explain!”

The entire thing makes me sick and sad. I like Kabob and spicy rice and I can only feel it may be hard to come by real soon. It was easier dealing with the Cold War because you knew that the Russian Communists just wanted world conquest. They didn't believe that killing everyone, including their own people, would be doing them a favor and sending the "good" one's to heaven.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I ran from Iran when the fighting began...

It can be interesting seeing the interwoven fabric of news. I noticed all of these stories this morning.
These are logged under the Truth is scarier than a Tom Clancy novel section.

Assault on Kuma - Iran does not like this game
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9807803/

Israel spying in New Zealand
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9822903/

Iran's president wants Israel wiped off the map
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9823624/

Israel stops push to have Hamas banned from elections
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9800898/

Let's see how this all plays out.

The United Nations will rush forward with their usual rapid response. They will universally condemn Israel for spying - levying sanctions against the Zionist aggressor, ask for sanctions against the US company for making a warlike game - boosting profits for the company, Hamas will take part in the elections in Palestine - not like the outcome and kill some people, and the United Nations will give the president of Iran a lecture and severe finger wagging. That'll show him.

Will someone explain to Iran that if you want to build a nuclear "power plant" that it is best not to talk about the total annihilation of a nearby country during the construction phase. Some people might worry about missing fuel rods and such.

Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, needs to learn a lesson or two on tact.
For instance, he could say something like, "We are ready to work with the Zionist dogs... uh, I mean Israel. We hope to use them as a partner in disposing of the waste from our Nuclear "Power Plant."
Personal note to Mahmoud: You must resist the urge to start giggling or winking until the cameras turn off.

Iran delivering spent fuel rods to the Zionist pigs - uh, I mean "Israel, our partner in cleaner power."
It's good to see Iran cooperating.

Personally, I won't charge him anything for my public relations consulting/training.

It's a freebie..

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Writer defined, the search for the silver bullet, and stroking the muse...

“Now as far as the customers can tell
He’s just one more fool who talks to himself
But every man in the place would line up
If they new what that seat really was

Cuz to the casual eye it’s a barstool
But it's really much more than it seems
A few drinks and then, she’ll be with him again
As he sits on the time machine”

- Collin Raye – The Time Machine

Just a thought or two here. I have been contacted by and been in contact with a few aspiring writers. I am being careful here. Two of them in particular claim to be writers. I keep meeting mutual acquaintances who tell me, “Matt, you should talk to _____, they are a writer too.”

However, in speaking to them, I have gleaned that each has ideas about wanting to write but spends no time doing it. They do spend a lot of time talking about how hard it is and the quixotic writers life (lack of funds and appreciation for their artistic talent – blah, blah, blah) but no words as of yet.

Which got me thinking. Should there be some reading this who want to write, take this to heart. And should you have no interest in writing, apply it to that thing that you want do be and do. Should you have nothing that you want to be or do...sorry, can’t help ya.

A writer – in this writer's humble opinion – is someone who writes.

It is likely, that to be that thing, you must do the thing that that thing does.

Call me crazy but I am convinced that the noun is wrapped up in the verb. You are not one if you are not doing the other.

I’m not standing on a high-horse, per se. But I ceased attending writer’s critique and “support” groups. There were too many people who showed up every week with the same lackluster effort – NONE!

Please understand, I am empathetic – but only slightly so. I spent years wanting to be a writer. From the time I was very young and when I met my wife – it is all I wanted to be. But wanting to be something and actually doing and being something are two very different things.

Life got in the way, as life is want to do, and I pursued other interest. No sad violins here, I liked what I did and learned valuable lessons on life, business, marketing, and promotion. I experienced success, failure, love, and heartbreak - all good fodder for a writer. Later, however, upon evaluating my life, I discovered that something critical was missing…writing.

A key turning point was when my wife handed me Stephen King’s book, “On Writing”. He breaks things down to a no-nonsense, schedule a time and do some heavy lifting, type of approach. It has been pivotal in my production.

If you are anything like me, you have scoured bookshelves looking for that silver-bullet on writing. That book that illuminates that missing piece. Idea books, writer’s soul books, how to make a million as an author books, and everything in between. You read them hoping to glean the secret and in each case, walking away feeling used and abandoned.

It is not that I am against books on writing. In fact, I am currently re-reading Lawrence Block’s book, “Telling Lies For Fun & Profit.” It is a classic and I highly recommend it.

After scouring bookshelves for quite some time (something I still occasionally do - you can always hope, can't you) I realized that what Mr. King writes about in “On Writing” is true. There is no silver bullet and your muse, she’s a fickle bitch! Or should your muse be a man, whatever a man bitch is supposed to be called. Whatever your term du jour is, I know something about your muse. She won’t show up when you want her to.

And doesn’t it make you crazy when you can’t find her? Because you know she’s off with someone else – jealous is more than a green monster, it’s got some real talons too!

In light of that fact, schedule a time – same time, same place, every day, so she knows where to find you when she finally decides to give you that finger massage. Short of that moment, assume she ain’t a comin’, she’s found a new lover, and that your writing is up to you.

Upon reading that book, I determined to become a writer. The next step was pretty simple…write something.

My first article – for publication – was completed a week later. My second, a week or so after that. My first article was actually my most lucrative in pure dollars, a recent article the most lucrative in time to write ($750 at one frantic, short-notice, 45 minute session). I should write "How To Make $1,000 An Hour Writing Articles."

But Stephen King's book, as good as it is, was not the silver bullet! It couldn’t be. I already told you that there are no silver bullets.

For me, the book was a gun-to-the-head, my-kids-are-gettin’-older, and those-wrinkles-on-your-face-are-only-going-to-multiply-until-they-bury-you realization that time is – as Mr. King’s character in Hearts In Atlantis quoting Ben Johnson says - “the old bald cheater.”

I got a little wiggy about it. I determined that I must get published and do so quickly. Not articles but a book. While I was, by my own twisted perception, a relatively normal, if not overly sensitive kid (My brothers call this being a crybaby but we’ll save that story for another time), I have always been fascinated by someone who could put words together into a book.

They (authors) were, and still are, my heroes. For me, they carry an almost mythical quality. Even someone who has written a bad book – poor in quality – has completed something that many who assume they have more talent, have failed to do.

In “Telling Lies” Block sites a cartoon where an adult is speaking to a sullen child, saying, “It is not enough to be a genius, Arnold. You have to be a genius at something.”

Whether it was Edgar Rice Borroughs, Edgar Allan Poe, John Steinbeck, Elmore Leonard, Ursulu LeGuin, Michael Moorcock, Tolkien, HP Lovecraft (especially HP Lovecraft) or any of the myriad of other authors whose books adorned my shelves, I felt these were my heroes. A clever play on words or an image or story that makes you wish – and feel that it is true – that is pure magic.

And so I proceeded to write book content. I actually had a editor show some initial interest in my first book, The IT Career Builder’s Toolkit, but the production schedule we discussed was a tad long. I couldn’t wait and I nixed any future talk of a deal. I self-published the book and sold some copies off my website or gave it away when I spoke.

There are many authors who, upon hearing I walked away from a publisher who was actually speaking to me, believe me to be insane. They are, by most accounts, correct. But I didn’t realize that getting a publishing deal was supposed to be difficult. It never occurred to me.

Then, in 2004, a copy of my so-so edited and poorly formatted book was purchased by a woman in San Francisco. I sent it off with my standard thank you letter and moved on. Two weeks later I received an email from Mary Beth Ray, an executive editor at Cisco Press. She wanted to speak with Matthew Moran. That would be me.

I called her and she explained that she had purchased my book – the woman in San Francisco – and that she liked it and wanted to publish it!!! She had found an article I had written on techies.com (an interesting story and relationship with them could go right here) which led her to my site and to my book.

So that is how an author does it? You simply get discovered while sitting around…

Well, not exactly. I wasn’t sitting around. It actually worked somewhat like I wanted it to. I wanted to be published and felt that a body of work in some fairly noticable places – my articles – could produce an interest in my writing. Mary Beth wanted a career book for technology pros and was looking for a potential author – one who had some articles to his credit – and lo and behold she found an author and a book. Lucky her, eh?

That is why I place Mary Beth in similar standing with my Wife, my mother, and my Aunt Bev in Canada. They are the four woman who have had a lasting and positive impact on my life. My mom gave me life and put up with this non-stop talking kid who became a non-stop talking adult. Aunt Bev taught me about having a girlfriend – someone you love but who is also your best friend – she was my first (hey, when your 10 years old and a pretty girl gives you attention and piggyback rides…). My wife became that friend that my Aunt Bev taught me to look for – sharing the life my mom gave me and feeding that life daily, a living breathing muse. And Mary Beth, she gave my life a rebirth. She is a sort of surrogate Mom – but younger.

I believe Mary Beth squirms a bit at this place of prominence I’ve placed her – but for someone who wants to be a published writer – really, really, bad – having an editor discover you and tell you that you are a “good writer” is intoxicating.

Now I am writing (behind schedule – sorry Mary Beth) my next book, The Technology Consultants Toolkit. I cranked out most of 4 chapters in the past couple days. I want to get back on schedule.

In fact, the other night as I frantically added a final two paragraphs before running to get my daughter from acting rehearsal, I thought to myself – “Matt, you are a writer!!”
Do you want to know how I know?

Because I had proof. It wasn’t the sore fingertips I had developed from hammering them on the keyboard.
It was that writer’s time warp where I lost two hours of my life in words. A time warp where a blank computer screen becomes 3000 words in 120 minutes. Two-hours that I gladly give up to that magical moment when your computer screen fills your vision and the rest of the world fades into some distant white noise.

If you’ve gone to that place before, it’s a heavy trip. No over the counter meds can match it and that stuff you smoked with your friends in the alley back in high-school doesn’t even come close. It is like swallowing the worm - way over the edge.

Some people call that focus and you see it in your kids when they are watching Sponge Bob. You call them and they cannot hear you. Turning off the TV causes an almost tragic spasmodic reaction, as though you had just cut off their source of oxygen.

And my friend, you have! Turn off that TV and you cut off that digital morphine drip – the kid’s going to go through withdrawals. Nothing contrived, nothing made up, it’s the real deal. It hurts!

To the non-writer, that’s just Matt zoning out but I know the truth. I’ve been sleeping with my muse! She may be fickle but moments like that are worth the heartache – and I’m in love…crazy love!

So if you want to be a writer…write! If your muse has another name, another face, make sure you are at the parties that she attends – or else my friend, she is going home with someone else. If she goes home with someone else, you had better sit down and write something through the pain. I’ve discovered that she finds that attractive and she’ll leave that other SOB as soon as he stops stroking her.

If you don’t write and you are wondering where your muse is, she’s with me and my busy fingers.

Are you jealous? You should be!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Abusive and Hostile and the NCAA

The NCAA recently reversed a decision regarding the Florida Seminoles using the name of an Indian tribe for their football team. They had previously said any college using an American Indian name or likeness was being abusive and hostile toward that group. I agree. Pretty insensitive but they only touched the tip of the ice berg.

I find “Fighting Irish” offensive. I’m Irish but in the immortal words of Michael Jackson – “I’m a lover, not a fighter.”


With that in mind I believe the NCAA needs to take their recent decision about American Indian..uh Native American… - or fill in the “group name du jour” right here __ - names a little further.

While I personally find “Fighting Irish” to be abusive and hostile – and I’ll beat the hell out of any one who thinks differently – I am sure there are other groups that are also not being considered.
I’ve compiled a very short list. Chances are you could add to it.

UCLA Bruins
Bears aren’t even allowed to live in LA – certainly not Bel Air – just north of UCLA. Sure, they have dogs, weasels, and rats (mostly in the legal and movie industries) but no bears.

USC Trojans:
Do we even need to bring this one up. I mean, I think safe sex is important and all but I don’t think we need a condom for a mascot. It’s just a little creepy and gross if you ask me.

Oregon Ducks
Any football team that has as its mascot a duck deserves to be on the list as abusive.

Nebraska Cornhuskers
Uh, Cornhusker – I had to look this up because it seemed, well, weird.
Cornhusker: n. Someone who husks corn. Hmm... Well that was helpful. Let’s try again.
Husks: v. remove the husks from corn. Oh what the hell is going here… come on. Did they just use the word being defined in the definition. Dammit, I hate when that happens. Let’s look again.
Husks: (not husks the verb but husks the noun) n. outer membranous covering of some fruits or seeds.

Ah, a Cornhusker is someone who husks (removes) the husks (outer membranous covering) of corn.
Wait, I had to look up a noun that referred to a verb of the same name that referred to a noun of the very same name. Who wrote this stupid language – the English I bet.

Okay, just because of the definition of Cornhusker, the Cornhusker’s name is not only abusive but its stupid too! Just the kind of mascot to strike fear into their opponents. Some matronly old farmer’s wife peeling corn to throw into a pot – ooh, I’m a shakin’

I went and found a whole conference that is abusive and hostile.

The Big East. Okay, I’m lying. They are my favorite conference. Look at their logo.
The Breast Conference?  Is it a BIG conference?


It is too small, my eyes or bad, or it is smudged on the left side but to me, the word "Big" looks really like "BR" – kind of. The shape of the logo subliminally reinforces this. Really, when I first looked at it, that is what I saw. "Breast Conference"

I thought, “Holy Cow!!! How did I miss this conference? Is it new? What do the cheerleaders look like?” Then I realized my gaff..but too late, the damage was done.

I will forever know the Big East Conference as the Breast Conference…and now, so will you.

And believe me, don’t I know that I need sensitivity training.

Back to the Fighting Irish. Being Irish and knowing that many have the propensity to fight…about anything…I don’t really mind the name. I just wish it more accurately reflected our group better.
Maybe it could be amended to be…

The drunken, stubborn, misunderstand-what-someone-says-because-you-are-so-blitzed-so-you-start-Fighting Irish.

But there is no help for those Oregon Ducks.

What is he trying to say? Why I’ll kick his $%&!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8914760/

A recent study found that men whose masculinity was threatened overcompensated in later studies.

Uh… durr!!! The real question is who paid for this study?

I know personally that when my wife mocks me because I am wearing her pink panties that I always take them off and exchange them for the white ones with ruffles. I mean, I don’t want to be taken for a sissy!

Read back to my earlier entry about my pink flowery garment bag. I didn’t shave for 2 days after enduring those mocking looks and derisive glances. When I finally got around to it, my Epilady Two could hardly remove the manly bristles on my neck and face.

Seriously. I thought this was a funny story. Two key points that stood out. The overcompensating men were more inclined to show homophobic tendencies and to show a desire to purchase SUVs. I can tell you that I am not homophobic – I just prefer non-fat milk.

However, there are times that I pretend my Dodge Caravan is a raised black Excursion. To get the full effect, I fill my tank with gas and spray another 20 gallons all over the ground. Then I drive around until I find some kid on a bicycle, pretend he is a full-sized car, and cut him off.

More seriously however, was this little ditty.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8901143/

Basically, it says that 1 in 25 wives have been unfaithful and you (as a man) might be raising another’s child.

CLUE: If you and your wife are Caucasian and the child is African-American, Asian, or Hispanic – it’s probably not a recessive gene on your wife’s side of the family. Don’t let her pull that one over on you.

I don’t know how the odds skew but having four kids, I am figuring that there is a pretty good chance that one or more of those little rats running around my house isn't mine.

I was going to take it up with Laura but she was busy having dinner with the mailman. She tells me she is just fascinated with male men – which I understand accounts for a lot of them.

But hey, it doesn’t impact my masculinity. I’m comfortable with all of it. Just ask my tattoo artist. I explained the whole thing to him while he tattooed a cliched barbed-wire arm band across my bicep. I don’t know if he heard me because we had the Nascar race turned up so high.

Well, I have to go now. I just bought a new tool belt and decided to build a room addition…right after my soap.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Of laptops, wives, messenger, and marriage...

My wife got a laptop recently.

For those of you who are high-tech, it has a Celeron processor – but don’t tell her they aren’t as good as the true Intel Pentium Chip. She primarily does email, writes in Word, and logs on to MSN Messenger to send messages to my laptop while I am sitting in the other room.

Yes, you heard me correct.

I’m glad for it, though. It is already producing amazing results in our marriage.

They tell you that communication is key to a marriage and I agree. Speaking through messenger should be required for all marriage counseling. First, it keeps messages brief. Particularly because my wife is not the fastest typist. She’s pretty fast but she types in this semi-hunt-n-peck, 3 finger, “I took typing in school but didn’t use it for the past 15 years” style.

When I say 3 fingers I mean it. She uses both pointer fingers but occasionally she uses her ring finger on one hand. It’s kind of weird to watch and as she does it, her eyes are darting quickly between her keyboard and her screen. Much of her time is spent looking at the keyboard and this often results in all her typing being capitalized because she will hit the caplocks key instead of shift.

It must be very tiring – the eyes moving back and forth – the overuse of those three fingers. But her pinkies are very well rested – they never do anything. I have this image of her hands developing an odd lopsided shape to them - large over-developed muscles on her typing fingers and atrophy of the remaining fingers.

This means her messages to me take time – which means I can do other things while she is typing. Because she is in the other room, I can’t be accused of not listening to her.

Her messages are short and two the point – no pouty lips or eyes to make me feel guilty for my inability to read her mind. And they are devoid of emotionalism. Sure, she ads the occasional emoticon but really, it is hard to take a small orb creature with bambi eyes very seriously – even if it is red and looks angry.

I usually reply with a sorry and something like this. While sorry seems to be the hardest word, I can say it on messenger pretty easily. I'm so detached that I can pretend that I am sorry, add a broken heart or sad emoticon and she is satisfied. In the mean time, while she is typing a response, I can get back to the important things in life.

More significant is that I can augment my own looks. I can be virtually anyone. I clean up real well on MSN Messenger. See, here is my latest transformation.




Before
Me with my hair piece.

After
Me on MSN Messenger.


We even played Wheel of Fortune the past two days – my darling wife summarily whipped me several times. She asked during the game whether it was weird that we were in two different rooms of the same house, talking and playing a game across the Internet.

I told her that it was perfectly normal – and added a smiling emoticon to convince her. But it’s weird, plain and simple, and that is just the way I like it.

And so, I will continue to chat with my wife so we can LOL and ROFL at our witty exchanges and inside jokes.

Until then, TTYL.



Monday, July 04, 2005

The Joy Of Writing

I was sitting down today to do some writing – actually a lot of writing. It is July 4, 2005.

Writing on a national holiday? Yes, and enjoying it. I was up today at 4:00am to get started and basically used the time to organize some notes for my next book for Cisco Press. I wrote the bulk of the first chapter between 4:30 and 6:00 and am planning on doing the second and perhaps third chapters today as well. I want to get ahead on my schedule. This, I am certain, will make my editor very happy.

Recently, I was in Vegas for an authors reception. The event, Networkers, is Cisco Systems big yahoo each year. Vendors, training, etc. My publisher has a big presence there and it was an opportunity to meet people with whom I have traded emails and some phone conversation. Now, many of them will have actual faces.

I flew out for a day – not really attending the conference, but for an authors reception at the hotel. It was fun and allowed me to personally thank many people who have made this such an enjoyable trip – the writing process, I mean.

I did find out that many of their authors have no desire to write. In fact, I’m a bit of an anomaly for them. Because so much of what they do is technical, my material is more loose and fun. It allows them to spread their publishing wings. So the relationship is a bit symbiotic in that regard. We get some great stuff from each other.

I get a large, reputable publisher who is willing to put up with my quirkiness and stories to get their product. They get an author who actually likes writing – sitting down and creating content – words on paper. They don’t have to prompt me for ideas and they don’t have to prod me to produce. I like both.

I found the revelation that most of their authors are not really that interested in writing to be or coming up with new book ideas to be interesting. Why write? But I realize, with the positive impact my book has had on my career, that many of their current authors are in academia where the old adage, “Publish or Die!” is still true.


And so, with this blog, I want to once again, thank my publisher and editor for signing me on for a new book. It is in mornings like this that I find true joy! I put ideas on paper – and most of them seem decent. I’ll look it over later tonight and see if I still agree – but I suspect that I will.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

The Joy Of Reading

Today I was sitting in a Barnes & Noble reading the intro to Stephen King’s collection of short-stories – Everything’s Eventual. I like Stephen King. I like the way he writes. I like his slightly irreverent tone and the way he creates conversation, even in his essays.

His book, About Writing, was a major impetus in getting me off my procrastinating rear-end and onto my rear-end at the same time, same place, so that my muse could find me. I’ve recommended his book to several aspiring authors – most notably and recently, my daughter, Jessica.

In fact, I (sorry Mr. King) found Everything’s Eventual and Hearts In Atlantis in hard-cover on the Bargain Book table. I bought them both for $11 and change. That’s good hard-cover pricing. Not as good as the Library’s used book store – with suggested donations and no witnesses – but I have yet to find a King hardcover there.

So there I was, sipping my 1-sweet-and-low latte, reading the introduction to EE. In it, he is talking about his e-book experience and the fact that he gained notoriety for that, not because he had written a good story, but because he had utilized the dotcom medium. It bothered him some that many seemed to know a lot about the story but fewer knew the story itself.

He explained how businessmen in airports would approach him to sign a copy of their napkins for their wives. “My wife has read everything you’ve written.” Apparently, the men had read far less of his work. They had, he implies, had enough time for Covey’s Seven Habits and other business/motivation titles. Fiction, far less so.

But then this line, “Gotta hurry, gotta rush-rush, I got a heart attack due in about four years, and I want to be sure that I’m there to meet it with my 401(k) all in order when it shows up.”

I started laughing – the image of my days of wild-eyed business building, now replaced with my wild-eyed writing, firmly ensconced in my mind. I tried to suppress it. Mistake!

What I got instead was a half-snort, which resulted in a glob of saliva latte (a drink Starbucks has yet to capitalize on) making its way into my windpipe. This resulted in a sort of “ha-wheez-cough ha-wheez-hack” complete with body wracking contortions.

I was not the only person in this Barnes & Noble Café and as you can well imagine, my loud and ostentatious display of public suffocation was hard to miss. Most looked up and quickly looked away, leaving me to wonder later (not at the time, I was in distress but still laughing) what would have happened if I had hit the floor. Would they have simply acted as though my body wasn’t there?

One gentleman glared at me from his table. Apparently, I was rudely disrupting his frontal assault on his laptop. His rather disapproving eye held my public outburst in utter contempt. I don't know if it was my dying throes because I rather imagine he gained a level of pleasure from that. No, I believe it was the idea that I would laugh out loud while reading a book. That I would be so lost in what I read that my sense of surroundings diminished to almost nothing. Laughing out loud, and yes, even crying, are not that uncommon for me when I read.

I consider it a parenting success that my daughter, upon reading sections of Hearts In Atlantis, would come down for company. She would be beside herself and needed to express her anguish. My son Christopher read "Of Mice & Men" the other day. He's eleven. At the end, he came to me and simply asked, "Why?" and then cried. Not only was it precious, it was appropriate. I don't understand how you read something like that and not react in that way.

Graciously, at Barnes & Noble, one woman seemed to get it. She smiled knowingly.

“You go ahead,” her smile said, “laugh between the lines. That is how reading should be. Cry if you need to, too. The real world will be here when you get back anyway.”

And that is what reading does for me. Takes me away and makes me vested in the story, the character, or the author’s mood. That is what I strive for.

To that woman, thank you. To the man with his laptop… Go to the library if you want to concentrate. They don’t serve coffee so I won’t be choking in front of you.

B
ut I will laugh when I need to.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Cannibalism, the latest diet fad

I've heard it said - even said it myself, that you are what you eat. But recent news has me thinking that the phrase is backwards. The amended version, you eat what you are.

First there was the Wendy’s issue. Okay, that turned out to be a hoax..but it got the ball rolling. It is as though every employee who is working at a food company wants to get in on the action – so to speak.

The last two stories involving human parts and food were pretty interesting.

The first was when someone found a slice of skin on his chicken sandwich…
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7628784/

He bit into something chewy, removed it from his mouth, and saw that it had fingerprints. Let me rephrase that… it was fingerprints. The funniest part of the story is that authorities returned to the restaurant to investigate. The manager comes out to meet them…with a bandage on his hand. Case closed!

It turns out he got a little carried away while slicing lettuce. Or a little of him got carried away – in the lettuce bowl. He realized right away that he had cut part of his finger off but instead of tossing the lettuce, he simply sterilized the machine and surrounding area and carted the lettuce to the food preparation area.

This next one is even tastier – juicy – meaty
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7714408/

Turns out a happy customer took his frozen yogurt home. He was scooping it out and found the finger. Unfortunately, he couldn’t tell what it was, so HE PUT IT INTO HIS MOUTH TO CLEAN THE YOGURT OFF IT SO HE COULD SEE WHAT IT WAS!!!! Let that sink in for a moment.... He willingly placed the finger in his mouth and was sucking and licking – cleaning it off!

His tongue had to be rolling that finger around – moving it around his mouth. No, you have to really think about it to get the effect. If you’ve got some small carrots lying around, cover them up with ranch dressing and then put it into your mouth and clean the dressing off. The human mouth and tongue are amazingly adept at moving food around and basically, that is what this guy was doing…to a finger…a dismembered finger…

Here are his words…

“I thought it was candy because they put candy in your ice cream ... to make it a treat. So I said, ’OK, well, I’ll just put it in my mouth and get the ice cream off of it and see what it is.”’


Stowers said he spit the object out, but still couldn’t identify it. So he went to his kitchen, rinsed it off with water — and “just started screaming.”

I love the “to make it a treat.” Can you imagine. I mean, I think it’s gross when I take a sip of ice tea believing my wife had diet coke in her glass. Can you imagine having your mind all set on a candy treat but instead you get a finger!

What is curious about the Wendy’s story that was a hoax and this most recent ice-cream based story is that Wendy’s offered free ice cream to “lure” customers back after the bad PR of the finger incident. No really, here’s the story.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7593511/

I can just imagine the Wendy's PR folks weeping..


It kind of makes you wonder what other items could make it into ice cream without you knowing it. Hmm?? This isn’t even hard – it doesn’t really take much imagination at all. Think about rocky road. You have marshmallows and nuts. Hard and soft items, chewy and crunchy. That leaves it wide open.

What I wonder about is what we’ve all eaten, completely on accident, over the course of our life. If body parts are falling into food prep this frequently, don’t you imagine that some of it makes it past our discerning pallets?

Are we all unwitting cannibals?

Chew on that for awhile…

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Roar! I’m a tiger!

In the "truth is stranger that fiction" category, we bring you this news item from MSNBC...

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for helping baby animals and all. My family has “nursed” a few back to health ourselves but I think I may have drawn the line if my wife had to personally NURSE them back to health.

It’s no mystery that husbands have no recognition of breast as “feeding tubes” – having personally categorized them as “home entertainment systems.” We can tolerate our kids sharing the wealth, as it were – albeit for a short time – but other mammals taking a turn is a bit much. I mean, they aren’t even stoop-shouldered, knuckle-walkers.

At least with hominids I could have a customary jealous reaction but my emotional response to members of the large cat family might be hard to sort out.

It certainly brings a whole new meaning to the term “den mother.”

When asked his opinion of his surrogate mother’s “feeding tubes” the male tiger, affectionately known as Tony replied, “Theeyyy’rrrree GRRREEEEAATTT!!!”
=================
Wendy's Finger Food Recap
In case you hadn't heard, the woman who reported finding a finger in her chili at Wendy's was arrested and the police believe it was a hoax. That is rather anti-climactic. What is interesting is the description of the chili in this story here:
2nd paragraph:
"...Ayala claimed she bit down a 1 1/2-inch finger in a mouthful of steamy chili on March 22."
Is "steamy chili" the formal name of the product or was the writer choosing an interesting time to add color to their narrative. Why not "delicious chili" or "mouth-watering chili?" I'm just curious..
Thanks, no time to write much more, check back later.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Musings on Writing

This past week my book, The IT Career Builder’s Toolkit, was covered in the Midwest Book Review.

“A ‘must’ for any serious IT pro.” – Midwest Book Review

Here’s the entire review:

==========================
The IT Career Builder's Toolkit
Matthew Moran
Cisco Press
800 East 96th St., Indianapolis, IN 46240
1587131560 $29.95 ciscopress.com

Matthew Moran's The IT Career Builder's Toolkit could also have been reviewed in our 'business' section for job-seekers, but is featured here because so many IT employees are seeking work, and so many college students aspire to enter the field. This is career prep with no holds barred: Matthew Moran profiles solid, market-based skills and proven methods to advance an IT career or reach a goal. Newcomers in particular receive explicit advice on how to present technical skills value in a tough job market, how to become an essential commodity in an overwhelmed market, and how to gain meaningful professional contacts. A 'must' for any serious IT pro.
===============================

Earlier, at UnixReview
"…the only problem with the book that I can see is that I wish I had written it."
http://www.unixreview.com/documents/s=9602/ur0503e/


I spend a lot of time goofing off on this blog but I am deeply honored and very excited about these reviews. They are on one hand humbling and on the other validating. While I and the team at Cisco Press worked hard to make the text readable and the content valuable, I do not take lightly such reviews.

I’ve been writing and using word (over-using words if you ask my mom) since I was very young. Writing is an often agonizing endeavor. Not in the difficulty of the words – God knows I’ve never had a problem producing words – but in the mental/psychological banter you put yourself through.

At times, you read what you write and think, “That’s good!” But much of the time, the words that you have produced – to you – seem average at best. I believe this may be true with any artist or craftsman. Because you form the basis of your own normalcy, what you produce is always average, if only your average.

When an industry peer recognizes your work, it brings a sigh of relief and some pride. It feels good!

Fortunately, this has occurred on a few occasions with this project. When Chris Cleveland at Cisco called me and said, “You’re a good writer,” it meant something. When Karen Gill, the freelance proofreader and copyeditor for my book wrote me an email extolling both the writing and the content of my book, it meant something.

And on numerous occasions, my editor, Mary Beth Ray, at Cisco Press provided encouragement that has been life-changing.

When I say life-changing, I do not mean that lightly. Mary Beth read some of my articles and purchased a self-published copy of my book. I had no idea who she was – just another customer. I sent her a copy of my book and moved on to other projects.

Two weeks later, she contacted me. We had a phone conversation that I consider to be one of the most significant of my life. Being contacted by an editor at a major publisher who wants to publish your book is an amazing life event.

It gave me both a belief and provided a flame of desire to make a concerted effort to make writer my vocation. Now we are working on a new project with Mary Beth and have an agent ready to look at Laughter & Tears In A Hyperactive Home.

Next step: Get my self-published, If Mom Were President off the blocks.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Giving Wendy’s the finger; it doesn’t add up

Giving Wendy’s the Finger, it doesn’t add up
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7487945/

I think something may be amiss here. The woman who claimed to have found the finger in a bowl of Wendy’s Chili has decided not to sue. Her reason, she is too emotionally distraught. ???

Of course, they have discovered that she has a history of suing companies – but I am sure there is no connection. Then again, maybe she isn’t being 100% truthful in all of this. Maybe she gave Wendy’s the finger – literally.

They are running DNA test to discover who the finger belongs to. No one has stepped forward yet but maybe it is the finger they used to dial the phone with. I would start looking close to her home. Like her child – the one with the bandaged hand! Or her sister – who always has her hands in her pockets and recently had brought all her gloves to the tailor for some “adjustments.”

Is there any chance she was the first person on the scene of a horrific accident? Did someone get whacked and she casually thought, “She won’t be needing this.” Perhaps with some crude finger humor to boot, like.

“Ah a corpse – a statistic…and what’s a missing digit when your just a number.”

Then again, maybe that is why I was suspicious in the beginning. Maybe the missing digit was why it didn’t add up!

Okay, enough mathematical humor on this one. Besides, the facts aren’t out yet. I shouldn’t be pointing fingers – especially at that woman. Remember, when you point your finger at someone, there are 4 pointing back – and a fifth twitching in the chili.

Enough! Enough I say!

We will have to see how this plays out. I’m still not ordering any chili from Wendy’s. I never did before this but it just seems unappealing. Personally, I go for food I pick up with my fingers – not that which may contain fingers.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

A brief Vegas report

It is with some sadness that I report this to you…. The Candlelight Wedding Chapel – mentioned just last week in this very blog – is closed and scheduled to be torn down. In its place, a mega-casino next to the Riviera.

I don’t know if they are re-opening a newer version of the same chapel somewhere because the website was still up and gave no indication of the close. However, it is possible that they don’t even remember that they have a website. Stranger things have happened.

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas!
You betcha! This past weekend, our kids survived, the house survived, and my voice lasted the duration of my talk. Since returning from New Orleans more than 3 weeks ago, I’ve been dealing with a flu/cold/sniffle/cough thing. In another week I am off to Boston and still can’t seem to shake it. But I will press on.

Vegas was pretty uneventful by all accounts. Laura sunbathed by the pool one day and we ran through the various casinos, arriving at the conclusion that they all look the same at some point. The Venetian was pretty nice – however. Certainly the nicest in the non-casino areas of any of the places we visited.

We took a walk downtown. The girl is crazy if you ask me. She even ended up with beads – six strands of them. She would send me to pick up a drink somewhere, I would hear some hooting and hollering, and come back to find her wearing a new strand. Lot of friendly guys in the area though. They kept waving and giving the old thumbs up. Is that normal in Vegas?

She almost convinced me to go into the topless revue on Fremont Street but I would have none of it. I don’t want her gawking at all those gals on stage – putting wild notions in her head. I can just imagine it. I arrive at home after a long day at the office to find a note…

“Matt,

I’ve gone back to Fremont Street to dance. It is what I’ve always wanted to do. You are a prude and I need to free my inner animal. Don’t worry about the snake and Tiffany, they are coming with me – as props.

Toodleloo,
Luscious Laura”

And then where would I be…..Fremont Street would be a good guess!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Vegas Bound and a head in a pickle jar.

Vegas Bound!
Yes! My honey and I are off! Not yet, exactly. I’m sitting at the computer typing. But later this morning we are ditching the brats and hitting the open road. We are heading for Vegas, back to where our little marriage shindig began more than 17 years ago.

That’s right, we are a Vegas couple. For about $100 and two nights lodging at a now defunct hotel/casino, we got hitched. No family, no friends, no caterer, no ugly brides maid dresses. It was me, my girl (she had been getting sick every morning for a couple of months – hmm?? What was that all about?), and an oddly fitting pair of white slacks and jacket that made me look like Leisure Suit Larry (you’d have to remember that old game).

The Candlelight Wedding Chapel provided the backdrop. Jim Hamilton married us with a chapel staff member serving as the witness. Jim, as it turns out, is quite the personality. If you saw Honeymoon in Vegas with Nicolas Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker, Jim makes an appearance at the end of the movie – actually marrying Nick and Sara in a chapel full of skydiving Elvis impersonators. Laura and I were in the theatre watching the movie and when Jim showed up, we felt like we knew a star.

He is actually listed in the cast here:
http://movies.msn.com/movies/movie.aspx?m=369663&mp=c

Another couple was getting married right before us – and another right after us – quite the assembly line. We kept seeing that couple, the one married before us, over the course of the night – at dinner and then at a comedy club. Each time we waved and giggled like we were part of some secret society. The society of knocked up girlfriends and misguided youth.

Now we are seventeen years into this thing and I think I like her! My wife, I mean.

We were in Vegas a few years ago with all four kids and stopped by to take a picture with Jim. Yes, he is still there – The Candlelight Wedding Chapel across from Circus Circus. It is odd because the chapel is actually pretty but it sits at the end of a strip mall and big souvenir store. It is so Vegas it is frightening!
http://www.candlelightchapel.com/index.htm

The picture on their homepage is carefully cropped but the parking lot/souvenir shop is just to the left of the picture and the Riveria on the right. I’m not knocking them, it was a good time.
In fact, Elizabeth Taylor was married there once – of course, one might be hard-pressed to find a place she wasn’t married.


Now I am back in Vegas to speak at a conference for the parent company of my publisher. This should be fun! As you have read, I’ve been in Cleveland with them, in New Orleans a few weeks ago, and now this. In another week, I am Boston bound!

After the pink Jordache garment bag incident (read about Cleveland in earlier entries), I am glad I am taking my wife. I am sure the Prentice Hall folks have wondered about my “flamboyance” at their events. This is perfect cover – uh, I mean, validation of my strong heterosexual alignment. I mean, she’s a good-lookin’ broad, this wife of mine. I know, I color her hair!

Matt, what about the head in the pickle jar?
Oh yeah, let's get to it.


With all the Terri Shiavo stuff rolling around the news (don’t do it Matt, don’t get political), we had a conversation with our children about end of life wishes. Both Laura and I don’t want to be “fed” if we are in a PVS. PVS for those who haven’t been listening to TV or radio is another acronym. Coming from a tech background and with the Internet, these have become quite popular. Persistent (corrected from Permanent) Vegetative State (PVS).

We, as with almost everyone, have our opinions on the latest news and events but took this introspective time to let our wishes be known with our kids.

My wife and I both agree, no PVS for us. We both agree, organs donated. My wife, cremated. I want to be cremated too but not my head. I told my kids I want them to keep my head in a pickle jar. It is a great conversation piece. They can transfer it seasonally to each of their homes. That is the great thing about four kids. Four kids, four seasons, one head in a pickle jar.

"Nice place you have here. Where did you get that couch – Ethan Allen, nice. Oh, what is that on the mantle?"

"That’s my dad’s head in a pickle jar. He wanted to be passed on to future generations."

"Wouldn’t a picture have been simpler?"

"Well, my Dad felt he wasn’t very photogenic."

"He still isn’t."

The fact is, we are hoping our deaths are not imminent. We just hope the fear and anxiety of the potential keeps our kids from fighting this weekend while we are gone. We are hopeful but not optimistically so.

We’ve even told them they could have a party – two kegs, even illicit drugs, our treat – if we don’t get the predictable phone calls. Yes calls, multiple. Each fighting incident involves multiple calls. That’s the problem with cell phones for each teenager. That provides three phones in the house – the home phone and each cell phone.

We’ve actually had it happen where I am on the phone with Jessica, Matt is calling on the other line, and Christopher and Sara, our babies are calling Mom on the home phone. I’m switching back and forth getting Jessica’s story and then Matt’s story and asking about those items Laura is feeding to me from Chris and Sara. There is no mediating between them in these cases. More often than not, we just put them on mute and carry on our conversation. If we hear a pause or scream, we interject a hearfelt - "stop it." or "listen to your brother."

Basically, cellular technology extends dysfunction. Geography is no longer an issue. It used to be that parents had to come home and simply pick up the pieces. Now they have to be involved. It is a burden that is not really fair. Fortunately, we signed up for the “family fight” plan. That means we don’t get charged for bickering between our cell phones. Our kids can call us repeatedly – again and again and again and again – about the same infraction. We don’t get charged to hear that Jessica looked at Chris wrong or that Matt is being a jerk and sent everyone to their rooms. Matt likes sending them to their rooms because that was our trump authority that we’ve given him.

There are two things we need to add to this situation, however.

The first is sound-proofing the rooms. When our kids fight, sending them to their rooms only means that they have to yell through the house to fight. Even though Chris is downstairs and Jessica is upstairs, they can still effectively trade barbs. Maybe an added intercom between their rooms would be in order.

The other thing they should add to cell phones is a master shocker! The owner of the cell phone account and any assigned roles, should have the ability to send an electronic shock to any of the other cell phones. That way, when we are trying to get a word in edge wise but the words, “but she said” or “but he said” or “you don’t understand” (we virtually never understand), keep interrupting us, we can send an arcing jolt of electricity from the earpiece to their ear!

I’m not sure it would stop their talking but boy would it be fun.

Okay, I have to go pack! See you in Vegas.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Book category, a new series of books, and some other thoughts…

Let me start by letting everyone know that Christopher is, once again, playing hockey and has perfect vision. We do have to check his eyes in 6 months and then every year for his birthday on the outside chance pressure starts building behind his lens. Not likely but it is on our calendar.

Curious Amazon book categorization:
My book, The IT Career Builder’s Toolkit, is a career manual for the technology professional – that is the computer industry.

On Amazon, however, they have it under careers / general, careers / job guides, and careers / guides. Those are all well and good but it is not under careers / computer industry. Were that the case, my book would have been number one in that category for the past 6 weeks. The impact on sales is not without consequence. Being at the top of a list that is frequented has its benefits.

Amazon, who can ship anything in 24 hours, can’t make the category change for 30 days. Ouch!

Today I checked my ranking and it was number 70 under careers / general. 5 places up from it at 65 was another important career title, The Complete Idiot's Guide To Amazing Sex (2nd Edition)??? No really, click the link and scroll down to find the "look for similar items by category" and the "similar items by subject" section. They are near the bottom of the page. I'm confused.

I’m not saying that great sex won’t help your career – I guess it depends on the career and with whom the great sex is with. But my question is how this book can get categorized under careers and my book can’t get categorized under careers / computer industry.

Also, I wonder if the proximity to that title has any chance of helping my title sell?

I did propose several new titles to my editor based on that title. They were:

- Computer Firewalls and Great Sex!: Safe Computing/ Safe Sex, the New Paradigm, First Edition
- Routing Exposed!: Your Complete Guide To Configuring Your Router in the Nude!
- The 100 Sexiest Geeks Of All Time (& Companion 18 month Sexy Geeks Calendar)

I don’t think they are going to opt on this series but boy, it could revolutionize the industry.

Depression for Dummies – revisited
I received a comment below on my Depression for Dummies post and it prompted me to change my blog's description/disclaimer above. I had to include the Stories and posts may be embellished to the point of unrecognizable fiction. Any relation to real events is probably coincidence unless it was a real event – in which case, the relation to real events is the event itself.

I don’t really know if the person posting, Mr. Anonymous, was serious or not. But his thoughtful response to my post below will help me refine my blog and ensure that misunderstandings are not my fault.

I still have to write about New Orleans – where I met up again with the folks from my publisher’s parent company. It was….interesting. It involved beads, bulls and Bourbon street.

Later.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Update plus semantic banter

I've been asked by a few for a Christopher update.

Chris is pretty good. Friday we returned to the Opthomologist and he is probably at 50% of vision for that eye. The doctor said that this is good and there is no bleeding or other signs of stress. They have prescribed a steroid for his eye. He is joining the company of Giambi, Bonds, and probably every other slugger in baseball. We are not telling him it is a steroid so that later, he can be ignorant as well.

==============================
Just a passing thought. While driving in the car yesterday, the weather anchor on the radio said something like..

"There is a chance we might get rain."

Not to nit-pick language but..okay, let's nit-pick. (more a nit-picking below)

The words chance and might are unnecesarily redundant in this case. There is a 100% chance that it might rain every day - even here in Arizona. However, there is an x% percent chance that it WILL rain. Might already addresses the chance element. Either say, "It might rain today." or "There is a chance that it will rain today." or "There is a chance of rain today."

=======
Nit-picking. Until I had children, in particular, children who had been infected with head-lice, I never understood nit-picking. Of course, they tell you that head-lice is not a reflection of personal hygene but when you are at the store buying ointment, cremes, and combs, you may as well be approaching the counter with a girly magazine or even more nefarious, the latest issue of Cosmopolitan* (see my idea for a Cosmo article below)
No matter what the box says, you feel a little trashy.

And after you kill the little critters (we called them crawlies, as in, "our little girl has the crawlies" - you get to nit-pick. You go strand by strand, removing these little white eggs that are stuck on your disgusting child's crawlie-infected head. You hardly want to touch the little freaks.


I told my wife that I felt like a chimpanzee family. According to experts, it is a communal bonding experience for chimpanzees. I don't know, I'll stick to family game night.


"Mom, stop nit-picking."
Family game night for the Morans


Fortunately, it has been several years since the last infection. Well, to be truthful, we just don't ever check when the school sends home the lice-infection notices. We leave such discovery to "trained experts."

Fortunately, with my haircut, it is not a problem.

* My idea for a Cosmopolitan article - same title as they ran last month and every month..
10 ways to make your man crazy with desire.
  1. get dressed in the morning. It requires that you were, at some point, naked, which is a sure come on.
  2. walk by - dressed or undressed - close physical proximity is a sure come-on;
  3. undress even when you are sick with the flu and just finished vomiting;
  4. leave your bra anywhere in plain sight;
  5. give him a friendly hug & a kiss on the cheek;
  6. hold his hand in public - a sure sign you are coming on to him;
  7. take a shower - he knows your naked and therefore are coming on to him;
  8. brush by him as you pass in the hall - another sure sign of you coming on to him;
  9. ask him to carry the laundry - a sure sign that you owe him, big time;
  10. get in to bed after an exhausting and stressful day and you just had a fight about money and threatened divorce and told him how he repulses you - hey, getting into bed is a sure sign that you are coming on to him.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Science experiments… an 11 year old, a magnifying glass, newspaper, wood, and a lighter

You can see where this is going, can’t you? Just based on the items mentioned in the title, it is fairly apparent that this was not a school-led science experiment. His school experiments seem to include items like food color, water, and a flower. Flamable agents and explosives almost never seem to make the school list – but I digress.

The ingenuity of children is really amazing. Using items he found while scouring around the yard, he was able to hypothesize and then test his hypothesis.

Both amateur and professional scientist will notice that safety goggles did not make it into his makeshift lab equipment list.

First off, let me head all those “better” parents off at the pass. Yes, we have warned our son about the dangers of playing with fire. We’ve done this repeatedly and on many occasions. However, we did not warn him at this particular moment and this particular time for this particular fire – apparently, that is where we dropped the ball.

And in his defense, he had not been able to find his magnifying glass for almost a year. The sheer excitement of the find clouded his judgment. Hey, wouldn’t it have clouded yours too?
Add to that the total lack of ants or other insects in which to steer the searing light of his hand-held death-ray, and gosh, what do you expect?


We were noticeably absent, having taken our daughter to gymnastics up the street. It came as a phone call from our 17 year old.

“Mom, Christopher really ‘f’d up his eye.”

Now, my son doesn’t gratuitously curse--much, so this got Mom’s attention. Not enough that we rushed out of gymnastics, however. She was worried but that had been tempered by the fact that we had been to the emergency room 4 times in the last month – officially, we have been automatically entered into the Frequent Trauma Program. We are just waiting for our discount cards.

When we got home we found out that Matt’s medical assessment pretty much summed it up. Chris had a small cut below his eye and his eyeball was a reddish tinge with blood pooling up in the space between his lens and pupil. This, we discovered later, is called Hyphema. Although a more accurate description is MomisFreakinga but we aren’t expecting a change to medical text just yet.

Christopher’s upper chest and neck were covered with black ash. Apparently, his little explosion was pretty severe. We went out to where he was building his little blaze to investigate and discovered a couple things..




There was debris behind me a good 8-10 feet.
Notice the brick barrier - Safety First!

  1. It was still burning. Apparently, neither Christopher nor older brother had thought to put out the fire.
  2. Small pieces of smoking wood had been blown nearly 15 feet away from the fire pit.
We rushed him to the emergency room and waited in various places. We waited in the lobby and then waited in his curtained room.

It was a busy night and although we were in the children’s emergency area, older folk were being put in there as well. On one side, we had a mom whose son has crushed his hand. I didn’t see anything but they brought in a portable X-ray unit and when the X-ray tech was speaking to the doctor she said something like…

“I’m going to film it this way because this part keeps flopping around and getting in the way.”

Any way you slice it that could not have been comforting to either the kid or the mom. Based on how it was said, whatever was flopping was not normally a flopping part of the body.

On our other side of us they placed one of the adult visitors. Not sure what was happening there except we heard terms like, blockage, backed up diarrhea, and enema. And then overheard the nurse say some choice phrases like…

“This lubricant will feel kind of cold.”

And

“You might feel some discomfort now.”

I turn around and there is Laura laughing like a juvenile - not good! Both of us carefully and quietly move our chairs as far from the curtain as possible. We were already dealing with one explosion.

Finally, Christopher was seen. They put some dye in his eye and looked at it with ultraviolet light. You could see a slice right across the front of his eye, from one side to the other. Also, the blood behind his lens was covering about half of the colored part of his eye. They took X-Rays and found no puncture wounds or debris in the eye – which is good.

He was asked how/why he did this and explained that his older brother taught him. We've always encouraged our older kids to tutor the younger ones but we think that warrants a friendly conversation, don’t you?

This morning, we had to go to the Ophthalmologist and they did much the same thing. A recheck is due this week but they expect several days of blurred vision. Chris’ eyes were dilated so he is wearing sunglasses provided by the Doctor’s office and cannot take part in physical activity. I guess that means he misses his hockey games for the next couple of days.



Cool!

Kind of funny phrase from Christopher. As the doctor was checking his vision using the eye chart, he tested his right eye first. Actually, amazing vision. He was reading stuff so small that they doctor pulled the chart away and looked at the line Christopher and shrugged - a little shocked. On his injured eye, however, things were much worse. He could only read the really big line with two letters.

When the doctor presented the next line, Chris said, "It's at this point that I can't see."

Besides some family memories, what did he learn?

Well, first of all, stand further away from the flame when you throw explosives into it. Also, shield your eyes if you are not wearing protective lenses.

Now pass those lessons on to your children.

We are exploring legal options. The list of people to sue is pretty well limitless in this case…




  • The brick maker. There is no warning, what-so-ever on the bricks that inform us that they are not a shield against flying debris.
  • The magnifying glass manufacturer. There is no warning on the magnifying glass that explains that using it to build a fire and then throwing a lighter into it can cause bodily harm.
  • The lighter manufacturer for failing to note that explosive liquids explode.
  • My parents. Yes, this one isn’t even a stretch. They failed to inform my wife and I that every stupid thing that my brothers and sister and I did growing up is destined to be repeated by the next generation. I should have realized this after my oldest son broke his hand jumping off the slide into the pool.

Thanks for reading - now off to the next minor emergency..

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Being a moron and other anomolies

I had to re-post this entry because it was feeding strange to my other site??

My children are doomed! By birthright they have a name that is so close to moron that it is necessarily the target of the oh-so-clever group of people who realize that Moran and moron only require a single letter to make one the other.

Almost daily someone who learns of our last name makes the connection – geniuses that they are. For them, it is always new, exciting, and fresh.

When my wife and I were first parents, we would gush about our every action of our oldest child. His first cookie – isn’t that cute. His first poopie – isn’t that cute (that one got old quick). His first steps – isn’t that cute.

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Side note: In case you are wondering, grammatically “isn’t that cute” should be a question. But when new parents say it in regards to their child it is a statement. They mask it in a question to get your agreement but don’t confuse that point. Once, I answered, “no, it isn’t really all that cute.” The parent in question was shocked! Of course, I joked and laughed it off as me just goofing around. But really, their child wasn’t that cute – in fact, they were downright ugly. Yes, there are ugly babies.
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My mom used to say, “Look, it’s the first child to ever_______” add your own ending here. It was her way of pointing out that she had five kids and we all did the same thing. Basically, you had a sex and had a child – get over it, there are only about 80 million people who will do that this year (have kids, I mean). And I actually looked up this statistic…

Every time I hear moron, I want to point out that they weren’t the first to notice it. Am I angry about it? Do I sound angry about it?

Once, when Christopher received his first set of stitches at 9 months old, (isn’t that cute, look he’s bleeding profusely from his chin. Ahhh) my wife went back into the doctor’s office to hold him while they did the work. Laura is not real fond of blood but because she had handled the original emergency, felt she would be fine. I waited in the emergency room lobby with Matt & Jessica, our oldest two.

Sudently, an intern entered the lobby – the crowded lobby – looking curiously at a piece of paper – reading something and moving his lips, wordlessly, in practice. And then, he said it…

“Moron, is there a Moron here. Mr. Moron”

Laughter started in the lobby and I raised my hand..

“Uh, that would be me.”

As it turns out, Laura was sitting in the doctor’s office nearly passed out. She had suddenly realized that Chris was bleeding and remembered that she didn’t like blood. Moron!

And don’t get me started on the magically appearing “G”. Our name becomes “Morgan” more than moron. I think it’s an evolutionary process people use to ensure they don’t accidentally call us morons.

Chances are, if your last name is Morgan, you were probably a moron at some point.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Postulating in Cleveland!

I’m writing this mostly for the folks I met from Prentice-hall this weekend. Fun!

However, I am sure they are convinced that I’m a dork. Two reasons I believe this:

First, I went to Cleveland, in February, and my warmest article of clothing is a sweater. It wasn’t snowing where we were, as indicated on weather.com but it rose to a blazing 32 degrees on Friday. My sweater was about as effective as the mesh-coverall my wife wears to the beach or lake. It was the first time I was in really cold weather since I started shaving my head 4 years ago. Noticeably missing from my wardrobe was my knit-cap and fake dreadlocks. I didn’t even have a standard beanie-cap.

As any expert physiologist will tell you, you lose 70% of your heat through your head. Okay, I made that percentage up and I don’t actually know if it would be a physiologist who would tell you that. But it is someone who spends considerable time in a white-lap coat, reading charts and postulating! (the use of word postulate is for Ramona).

Ramona and I discussed how repeating the word postulate starts to make it sound like some back-alley, disgusting activity and that you shouldn’t postulate at dinner, certainly not in mixed company.

I usually shy away from wearing a beanie the first time I meet people anyway. Certainly not in a business context. Between my shaved head and goatee, I tend to look like I’m about to carjack someone anyway. When I add a black beanie to the mix, I become absolutely sinister.. Sure, I’m usually smiling but with the beanie it just makes me look crazed.

I’ve been thinking that maybe combo colored beanie might be better. Green and yellow – something disarming. Then, when I do need to carjack someone, they won’t expect it.


This might be the look I need.

In addition to the “no coat in Cleveland” example of geek-hood, there is my stubborn usage of my wife’s Jordache, feminine garment bag. It has a soft pinkish impressionist flower print over subdued green tones. Quite pretty if you ask me. I tote this thing proudly through the airport, hanging on my rolling laptop case, like a gender-confused metro-sexual (that was for the crew driving back to the airport). Now, I know what you’re thinking. He also colors his wife’s hair and likes cooking. Don’t get me started on the Chinese Zodiac (inside joke).

I made it through the 14 hours in Cleveland without freezing. And the derisive glances from other, boring black garment-bagged business men didn’t even bother me. Brutes! They were just jealous. Me and the ladies, gallivanting through the airport to catch our plane. I’m sure it was a fetching site.
I hope it was as fun for the PH folks and that I am invited to postulate in another town.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

...For Dummies...

We’ve admitted that we are book geeks and probably spend more time than is healthy at book stores and libraries. That is a given. However, we are astute enough to realize there are some books that should never have been written.

Here’s one of them…

First, let’s paint a picture…

Your depressed, checking out of life, napping until noon, unemployed and unmotivated. Your friends and family aren’t calling and you feel like ending it all. In a rare and uncharacteristic burst of lackluster ambition, you pull on your unmatched slippers, draw the pull-string on your pajamas under your protruding beer gut and wallow to the bookstore.

You are going to help yourself dammit!

You stumble with listless lack-of-purpose into the self-help aisle, past cheerful & wealthy Dr. Phil and Wayne Dyer. You don’t need platitudes. You definitely don’t need “if you believe it you can achieve it” rah-rah and other blathering chants. You need facts! You need a plan of action.

And then suddenly you see it. It is both a conformation and the final straw in your banal existence.


That’s right! Depression for Dummies.

It’s bright yellow cover, familiar and nauseating after you had purchased and subsequently lost your life savings using the “Investing for Dummies” and had spent thousands on hackneyed projects after reading, “Home Improvement for Dummies”.

This book successfully summed it up. You are depressed and you are dumb. Look at the cover. That's what people see when they see you. Now you know why they don't want to talk to you...quite frankly, your depressing.

When I saw I started laughing, right there in the store. The pensive and sheepish guy next, waiting for me to put down "his book," just ambled away in a jilted, stooped-shouldered walk. When I showed my wife, she laughed too! I’ll be honest, I didn’t look inside the book. I would rather imagine the chapters…

- Chapter 1: You are a loser and nobody likes you
- Chapter 2: Depressed and stupid; the spiral downward
- Chapter 3: Why you are doomed to Fail and other affirmations
- Chapter 4: Box Cutters, Carbon Monoxide & Other Useful Ideas…

The rest of the book could be blank journal pages and they could provide a leaky pen.

The image above includes the link to the Amazon page but as of this writing the page said, “Only 5 left in stock—order soon.” It will probably be sold out by the time you try to buy it. Just in case you can't get it, visit despair.com for products you are sure to love.

Maybe I’m too sensitive but doesn’t anyone else see this as strange.


Monday, February 21, 2005

Book Geeks

My wife called me while I was at a client’s site the other day. It was obvious that she was very excited but in a place she couldn’t talk. In a hushed voice, but with barely contained enthusiasm, she said…”The new library is open. You have to come down. It is so cool! They have books, DVDs, CDs, everything. And it is all new!”

You see, my wife and I are book geeks. It has been this way since we met. Invariably, a hot date for us consist of dinner and then running to the local bookstore. We walk through the door, say goodbye to each other, and meet up an hour or two later to fight over which books the other gets to buy. Perhaps not the traditional model for a loving marraige but I sure hope I get to fight over books with her for many years to come.

Over the past couple of years, the closest library has been about 30 minutes drive. We love that library and aren’t trying to be disloyal, but the new library is about 5 minutes away.

The New Desert Broom Library is built in a atrium like setting. Free wireless internet, outdoor patios, conference rooms, study rooms, computers, and a computer class. And most of all books!




The bridge entrance to the Desert Broom Library

My wife spent about 4 hours there, with the kids, and then the next day, she went back with me and we spent another 2 hours. I ended up with 10 items, four books on ADHD, as research for my latest book project, a book on business communications (also research for a book project), 4 music CDs (Simon & Garfunkel, John Mellencamp (Cougar??), Sarah Brightman, & James Taylor), a DVD (Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid), a book on Six Sigma (very short, yes!) and a book on consulting.

And apparently, we are breeding a new generation of book geeks. Three of our kids can’t wait to go back. The oldest, is less convinced. If I have imparted nothing else to my children, book geekdom would be a great accomplishment.