Of laptops, wives, messenger, and marriage...

My wife got a laptop recently.

For those of you who are high-tech, it has a Celeron processor – but don’t tell her they aren’t as good as the true Intel Pentium Chip. She primarily does email, writes in Word, and logs on to MSN Messenger to send messages to my laptop while I am sitting in the other room.

Yes, you heard me correct.

I’m glad for it, though. It is already producing amazing results in our marriage.

They tell you that communication is key to a marriage and I agree. Speaking through messenger should be required for all marriage counseling. First, it keeps messages brief. Particularly because my wife is not the fastest typist. She’s pretty fast but she types in this semi-hunt-n-peck, 3 finger, “I took typing in school but didn’t use it for the past 15 years” style.

When I say 3 fingers I mean it. She uses both pointer fingers but occasionally she uses her ring finger on one hand. It’s kind of weird to watch and as she does it, her eyes are darting quickly between her keyboard and her screen. Much of her time is spent looking at the keyboard and this often results in all her typing being capitalized because she will hit the caplocks key instead of shift.

It must be very tiring – the eyes moving back and forth – the overuse of those three fingers. But her pinkies are very well rested – they never do anything. I have this image of her hands developing an odd lopsided shape to them - large over-developed muscles on her typing fingers and atrophy of the remaining fingers.

This means her messages to me take time – which means I can do other things while she is typing. Because she is in the other room, I can’t be accused of not listening to her.

Her messages are short and two the point – no pouty lips or eyes to make me feel guilty for my inability to read her mind. And they are devoid of emotionalism. Sure, she ads the occasional emoticon but really, it is hard to take a small orb creature with bambi eyes very seriously – even if it is red and looks angry.

I usually reply with a sorry and something like this. While sorry seems to be the hardest word, I can say it on messenger pretty easily. I'm so detached that I can pretend that I am sorry, add a broken heart or sad emoticon and she is satisfied. In the mean time, while she is typing a response, I can get back to the important things in life.

More significant is that I can augment my own looks. I can be virtually anyone. I clean up real well on MSN Messenger. See, here is my latest transformation.

Before


After

We even played Wheel of Fortune the past two days – my darling wife summarily whipped me several times. She asked during the game whether it was weird that we were in two different rooms of the same house, talking and playing a game across the Internet.

I told her that it was perfectly normal – and added a smiling emoticon to convince her. But it’s weird, plain and simple, and that is just the way I like it.

And so, I will continue to chat with my wife so we can LOL and ROFL at our witty exchanges and inside jokes.

Until then, TTYL.