Honey, it’s therapy! The Doctor is In…

I was doing my normal morning perusal of news and bang! – this story jumped out at me. No really. I re-read it 3 times just to ensure I wasn’t dreaming.

Apparently, sex helps calm nerves of people who are going to be speaking in public. They said full-intercourse had the best results. Of course, for purist like Bill Clinton, full-intercourse is the only thing that qualifies as “sex” – as in, "I did not have sex with that woman.” (side note: His answers is particularly interesting. First: No woman can appreciate being referred to as "that" woman. Second: the use of that seems to imply that there could a this woman or another that woman where the answer was different. Finally: Ahh. this is why he was such a good speaker.)

But back to this important study. They used to say that if you were nervous about speaking to a group that you should picture the audience naked. The new paradigm may be to actually get naked with one of them.

I don’t really get nervous before speaking but I am interested in the study’s fuller application. Does sex help calm nerves in general?

My wife gets nervous about things and now I have the answer.

Laura: Our son is taking the car for the night, I’m so nervous.
Me: Honey, the doctor is in.

Laura: Is home-skuling going to prepare our kids? I’m so nervous.
Me: Honey, the doctor is in.

Laura: The terrorist are attacking, the city is in flames and the house is falling down.
Me: Honey, the doctor is in.

In short, I can now say that I am a study-certified, walking, talking stress reducer. And I make house calls.

Of course, she may stick to deep breathing and counting to ten. My argument is that my therapy can incorporate both of the above and take no more time.

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Final thoughts: What will this mean for Toastmasters and the National Speaker's Association? How do you teach this "strategy?" Will Heidi Fliess start offering services to public speakers?

Canada Declares War On US

In an unprecedented move of uncharacteristic aggression, Stephen Harper, Canada’s newly elected conservative prime minister declared war on the U.S. Telling reporters that he cannot allow US nuclear submarines to travel through Canadian waters, he emphatically stated that military force would be used if necessary.

To prove his resolve he has formally requested that President Bush immediately provide the military supplies and troops necessary to combat US forces.

“It’s a little awkward but were just aren’t used to fighting without the US. We are hoping they will uphold current treaties and give us what we need to fight this aggressor.”

As a precaution, Canadian troops were stock-piling beer in preparations for a long cold winter.

In a “surprising” turn of events, Palestinian supporters of Fatah and Hamas have started armed conflicts with each other following recent election results – resorting to their traditional, “democracy until we lose” stance.

In a not-so-surprising move, Jimmy Carter has asked that the US continue to send aid to the Palestinians – to maintain a semblance of order. To fully appreciate this statement, please re-read the prior paragraph. Palestinian president Abbas told Jimmy Carter during a recent meeting that the Palestinian Authority did not even have enough money to pay salaries at the end of the month.

Wait a minute... We feed and cloth the people and pay the government salaries. Fortunately, with Hamas winning the elections, the salaries won't be needed.

Blow Up A Baby/Kiss A Baby – What’s the difference?

In the US the political process involves a lot of maneuvering to gain the proper, elect-able image.

You need to straddle that fine line of toughness but with compassion. You need to let business know that you will help them grow but let the people know you won’t let them abuse power. You have to show that you love children, kissing babies along the way.

But the recent Palestinian election has demonstrated that there are other ways to get that political edge. Rather than kiss children, they blow them up!

For some of us this might seem counter-intuitive but to the radical blood thirsty resident of Palestine (apparently more than 50% them), this is, apparently, very similar to farm subsidies and welfare.

One of the victors is Mariam Farhat, who sent three of her sons to their death as suicide bombers/terrorists ..uh, freedom fighters. I always thought potty training my children, teaching them to tie their shoes, and then cheering them on at sporting events was parental duty. Apparently, teaching them how to strap on a bomb and cheering them on into a crowd of civilians is the next earmark of positive parenting. Now that’s tough love.

She was actually quite the poster child for the Hamas election. They are progressive after all, allowing woman into the political process. I am sure NOW supports her post birth abortions.

This must discourage those who worked with Yassar Arafat all those years. I can imagine them talking amongst each other…

“All these years, I thought we had to pretend we wanted peace. But we just needed to openly kill of few more of our children. We didn’t have to lie.”

Well, I could have told them that honesty is the best policy.

I’ve received a few letters on the topic and thought I should share them with you.

This is an amazing day. I waited until I was in power to let my intentions be known. I wish I could re-enter the political process as a write in candidate. I am sure the Palestinians would give me their vote.
Sincerely,
Adolf Hitler

Now I see the error of my ways. I was always pretending to be Jesus Christ and I ended up in prison. If I had just pretended to be a prophet of Allah my actions would have resulted in a term in parliament not a jail term.
Peace,
Charles Manson

This is all a well-crafted plot by George Bush to divert the attention away from Samuel Alito, the demon-possessed, dove eating judge. We have unnamed sources that prove this.
Honestly yours,
Michael Moore & Oliver Stone

I am sure that more will show up soon.

Miller Time - the High Life...

It appears that Bill Marolt is upset at Bode Miller's comments about skiing drunk. The entire story is getting a lot of play in the media. The idea of a skier drinking - who would have thought.

Is is the remarks or might they be concerned that all the other skiers fill bad that they lost to a drunk guy.

And so Marolt is traveling to Switzerland to "work with him [Miller] to both recognize the seriousness of his comments and to reach a positive outcome."

Work with him? What does that mean? Beat him into submission. This is inconvenient. According to President Bush, the US doesn't torture...but the US Ski Team...well, that's another story.